its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.