[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.