I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit