The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you