Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
new year update: losing everything but weight
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS