Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels