Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.