Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.