Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move