I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.