Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about