I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
My mom texting me from an anime convention
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside