wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…