friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?