I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
No, YOUR illiterate.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.