me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart