A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.