My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.