If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”