Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Real House Wines.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.