“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.