*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.