what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.