“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”