God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.