Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.