Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.