My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.