When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.