“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio