“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second