I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.