Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.