Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.