Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.