honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you