Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”