Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…