Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
satan: not today, microsoft teams
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group