god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“