You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.