My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.