Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.