Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.