One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???