Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”