*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.