My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!