Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.