Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?